Music Soothes the Savage Me

Don't know how you are affected by music. Some people aren't. Not really. They hear a song and maybe they like it. Maybe they don't. They feel the beat and dance. Maybe they don't dance.

Some people are very moved by music. I've seen more than one person weep during church services when some particularly moving song is sung. Afterward, they are convinced God was very close to them. I know what they're feeling, because I've felt it myself. I have no right to say just how close God was/wasn't to someone else. I do know that in my own case, 99% of the time the experience was neither holy nor pious. It was emotional. God is with us always, so I guess when we have these emotional times with a song he is there. But my feeling, at least regarding myself, is that, if anything, I am actually less spiritual at that moment than any other. To be holy and pious is to act, not feel. Too often we get them mixed up. I do anyway.

But it was not my intent to preach in this post. You got it because it's part of me. I suppose you may read my posts, here and in my other three blogs, or my stories, poems, or reflections, or converse with me via comments or whatever, and conclude that I'm not much of a representative of my faith. I won't argue with you. I can't. I have no defenses. I am guilty of all you claim.

You see, my hope is not based on what I am able to accomplish, or be, or refrain from. Good thing, too. In my life I have accomplished exactly - nothing. What am I? Nothing. What have I refrained from? Nothing.

My hope is based on forgiveness. I know that when I love someone I cannot stay angry with them long. I have a need to forgive them, even if they don't want to be forgiven. That is my hope with God. So when you read me spouting arrogantly about my understanding of God, please remember what I am and be kind. Remember what is written: "God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong, God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are," 1 Corinthians 1:27-28

I guess that means I am chosen, huh?

Wow! Tangent. Well, so what?

Learning new things, be it a skill to keep/get a job, or learning who we are is somehow changing again, can stir feelings like a stick in an ant hill. I remember doing that when I was young. There was this old tree stump which had nearly rotted away completely. Some big black ants had set up home there. Thousands of them. They milled about doing whatever it was ants do. I would sit on the fallen remains of the trunk and watch them for hours - sometimes. And every once in a while, just because I couldn't resist, I would take a stick and stir the pile. I suppose I was cruel.

Anyway, back to music.

My feelings are running the spectrum back and forth. The Muses are playing hard and fast. I'm writing poems and short stories, and they're stirring my emotional ant hill. So many feelings running around like the Keystone Cops. That's part of exploring new creative areas, I guess. Some of the feelings are fun. Some aren't. My method for dealing with them? Music.

Over the last few days I have been listening to the same 65 songs over and over and over again. Some are quite mellow, and haunting, such as Are you Sitting Comfortably, by the Moody Blues; and Eres Tu, by Mocadades. Others express strong feelings, such as Bonnie Tyler's, Total Eclipse of the Heart, and Peabo Bryson's, If Ever You're in My Arms Again. Some make me cry, such as Believe, by Josh Groben. And some bring me back to an innocent time, such as Mason William's, Classical Gas. Suzi Quatro's, Stumblin' In, makes me laugh. (Especially with the accompanying lip-sinc video - see A Voice in the Wind.) Oh Me Oh My, by Lulu, reminds me what it feels like to be in love. Kenny Loggin's, Return to Pooh Corner, reminds me that I've left the path. Aerosmith's, Dream On, reminds me to keep trying.

Right now. Today. This minute. I expect the song to best describe my journey from Nothing to Something is Believe. Believe. Sometimes I think that's what the past seven years have been all about. Believe. Choose what you will believe, Bevie. It's important.

I could not make it without music. It's one of my many weaknesses. It fills the many empty places in my heart. God is there. But God doesn't fill the spaces reserved for other people and other things. He simply takes his place on the throne and brings music to sit in the empty chairs around him. Music touches me where I am, and not where I am seen. With music I am never truly alone.

Is God music? I don't think I've ever heard it said. He must be, I think.