Sailors on the Sea

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Got Old Wrong. Can I Have a Do-Over?

I'm supposed to vent today. Gave it a go, but the effort just faded. I'm at low energy.

Wish I was young again. Not because it's so especially bad being as old as I am, but because it is bad being as old as I am and not knowing what to do or how to achieve dreams. When one is young, particularly in their twenties, no one really expects you to know anything, so knowing anything makes you kind of impressive. I was impressive. When I was young. But not that impressive. Now I'm not impressive at all, except as an example of how not to wind up.

I don't know that I would want to go back in time and relive my life knowning what I know now. What a drag it would be knowing how I was going to f*ck up my life years in advance.

On the other hand, it would be cool, for perhaps I could avoid the absolute S-T-U-P-I-D mistakes I have made in my life. Probably wouldn't, though. I'd still be a coward, and most of my decisions were based on fear even more than desire. I had the reputation of being "the good kid". I didn't get it because I was a good kid. I got it because I was too afraid to do anything. Served me well in staying out of certain kinds of trouble. A royal pain in the *ss when it held me back from the things I very much wanted to try.

I did do some things, but not many. I remember the summer I was in a sling from a biking accident.

Stephen had wanted a new car. The old Falcon he had purchased from Judayl had finally died and he was without motorized transportation. I had this terrible old Chevy Vega hatchback. He offered to trade me even - his ten-speed bicyle for my Vega. I jumped at the offer. The Vega went through oil and gas like corn meal through geese. So I used the Raleigh to get from here to there.

While biking down (up?) East River Road, along the Mississippi, I came upon a low place where the road I was on ducked under a crossroad. I hit the drop faster than I wanted and ceased peddaling, but my speed had increased. Motorized traffic was restricted to 30 m.p.h. and I remember passing a vehicle. When I came out of the tunnel I crossed over to the center island in preparation for my upcoming turn. Unfortunately, my momentum took me to the curb and, first my front wheel, and then my back, wound up sliding along the curb. I couldn't steer. Knowing I in trouble, I considered how best to handle the thing. The brakes tended to grab, and I wasn't keen on dealing with that in the middle of a busy road. There was the concrete center. Perhaps if I were to carefully get off the bike I could let the bike go and run myself to a stop. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I remember seeing the sky and nothing else. Then I saw the ground coming up at me fast. I dipped my head and rolled. The bike bounced away and I bounced along the center island. I lay quiet, letting my adrenaline settle down. No pain. That was good. I wasn't hurt then. I heard the screeching of tires. Then the sound of running feet. A man knelt beside me and asked me if I was hurt bad. I said I was fine. Just catching my breath. He asked if I had been hit and I said no. Then I sat up. New information.

The pain was so bad I nearly passed out. I lay back until the nausea went away. Then I tried again. It was my shoulder. It hurt. I reached my hand up, but I couldn't feel my shoulder. What was wrong?

Paramedics arrived. They were really nice. The one explained to me that my shoulder was no completely separated from my collar, and that when I sat up, my shoulder stayed down on the ground. Ouch.

I spent several hours in one hospital, drifing in and out of consciousness. After about ten hours my mother (who had shown up at some point) took me from that hospital and brought me to Hennepin General in Minneapolis. They fixed me up in about an hour. My fate was to spend the next two months in a harness, designed to hold my shoulder up until it could refuse with my collar bone.

It was during the middle of this that Stephen invited me to join him and Randy on a trip to Chicago to see the King Tut Exhibit. It was going to be quite a trip because they didn't have much money between them. They were paying for the hotel room with some coupons Randy got. With nothing else to do, I went. It was mostly a good time.

It's time for me to do something spontaneous like that again. After my Duluth trip I just don't have the energy right now. Besides, I'm really not sure where to go. That's all right when one is twenty. Past fifty one is supposed to know.

ADD-ON: The SpyBot software (STOPzilla) has successfully attacked and destroyed the big CPU hog on this computer. Speed has returned to pre-January rates. Huzzah!

5 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

You do get a lot into one post, Bevie!

I'm so glad SpyBot has sorted you out. Yay! Have you got antiviruses and stuff in place to stop it from happening again?

I do understand how much you feel that you've f*cked up your life and this is a terrible feeling. I'm not sure I agree though that Past fifty one is supposed to know. One is supposed to know what and who says so anyway? I don't know what I'm supposed to do but I'm not writing myself off as a failure.

I'm really sorry that this is weighing on you so heavily at the moment. Can you do something nice for yourself? I can't really pop over and make you a nice cup of tea but you could do it for yourself from me. (If that makes sense.)

Bevie said...

Thanks, Fairy!

Mostly I'm using SpyBot now. It's caught a couple of things trying to rehit me. I doubt there's anything fool proof. (Which is too bad, because I'm kind of a fool.)

Did you hear about some big virus that's out and waiting to get instructions from the internet on April 1st? The experts aren't sure what's going to happen. Just that the virus is waiting for instructions on April 1.

You are certainly not a failure. I didn't mean to imply that people over fifty are failures. I am a failure because I have done absolutely nothing with my life. Not one of my dreams has been achieved and, truth be told, even given a serious go. That's the power of fear, self-pity, and doubt.

For some strange reason, though, I keep thinking I am going to achieve something worthwhile. Something great, even. I guess that's the child in me. Always hoping.

Just followed your instructions, Fairy. I heated some water in the microwave and now have myself a big mug of organic tea. It's probably not a brand you would have, but it's very good, both to taste and for my throat and stomach, which are not well right now.

On the off-chance you do have access to it: Traditional Medicinals Herbal Dietary Supplement. Organic Throat Coat.

It's a sweet-tasting tea. Thank you, Fairy. I like sweet.

Bevie said...

Just looked and saw there is a United Kingdom link on the Traditional Medicinals website.

fairyhedgehog said...

I was meaning that if I don't write myself off as a failure, why do you need to? You really are very hard on yourself. You're much nicer to your friends!

Maybe there is still time to carry out some of those dreams. If you keep at your writing, I may be able to say one day that I knew you before you became famous!

I have heard about the April 1 virus. Apparently it's a bad date for viruses every year so we need to make sure we've updated all our programs so that they're safe. (Windows, Internet Explorer, Firefox, etc.)

Glad you've got some nice tea. The site is down for maintenance at the moment but I've bookmarked it.

Enjoy your day!

Bevie said...

Yeah, I am kind of mean to me. Guess I try to focus all of my meanness at myself so I don't offend everyone else all the time.

I guess I still suffer from the same malady I did as a teenager. After taking these profile tests I was told by the evaluator that I had about the worst combination he could imagine: superego and incredibly low self-esteem. He said people like that tend to beat themselves up all the time. I thought he was nuts. Guess I was wrong.

I think I will get published this time. And not just Swords of Fire, either. I've got 65 book ideas. At least twenty of those books I still like a lot. If I can get one, I can get them all.

Thanks, Fairy. Had a second cup of tea. My stomach feels much better. Thank you.

Oh, and it does make sense.

Contributors

A Tentative Schedule

Monday - Progress Report
Where am I with regard to the Current Book

Tuesday - Thoughts About Writing
I was going to be profound, but let's be real

Wednesday - What Am I Learning
What can I take from what I am doing

Thursday - Work Sent Out For Review
Respondes to my submissions

Friday - Other Works of Fantasy
Some of my other fantasy writing

Saturday - The Impact of Music
How music has influenced what I write

Sunday - Venting
My 'morbid' time. A safe compromise, I think