Launch Date: June 18th, 2009

See edit note at bottom of post.

Today I am telling myself I will send out my query for Swords of Fire: Traitor. I have done this several times before. The first time was back in the early 1980s. The last was in the fall of 2008. Every other time I sent out a query I did so with high hopes - and even expectations. The high hopes are gone now. The expectations are still here, though. Only they've changed. I'm expecting to be rejected. Why? Because I don't believe in the book? I think my query s*cks? No. I think the book is great. And I think I've got a decent query. But I don't dare believe anymore. It is too crushing to come down from that height again. So I don't climb anymore.

It seems I have returned to my roots. You know them, I'm sure. You've probably shared some of them. These are the things we (I) learned as young children. Things such as, "Good things only happen to other people."

My sister-in-law, B, once told me something which I have never forgotten. She said it to be silly, but knowing her I expect there was more than a little truth in the statement. We had been talking about achieving something great. Don't remember what it was, but the odds were against us. She was getting all excited and had actually convinced herself it was going to happen. In typical fashion, I felt the need to caution her against succumbing to enthusiasm. The let down would be horrible, and I didn't want to see her hurt. What she said was this:

I choose to get excited before the fact, because after the fact there might not be anything to get excited about.

We had a good laugh over that, and B continued to be enthused. Later, it turned out she was right. There wasn't anything to be excited about. Things went according to the odds.

I learned not to be that way at a very young age. Now I don't know who I'm more angry with: whoever it was that taught me this; or myself for learning it.

There are vague memories in my mind and heart of a time when I believed. Believed in the future. Believed in good things happening. Believed in myself. There was a confidence which encompassed me as I moved through life.

Now I find myself paraphrasing B's statement.

I choose to refrain from excitement before the fact so that the pain I feel afterward can be minimized.

I guess that's why I've been dragging my feet with this query. All previous efforts were done quickly, and I sent them out with B's attitude. Now I see it as an invitation to pain, and I've not been in any hurry to get it done.

Well, it's done now. The query is ready. I have a place to send it. If only I could believe there was a chance I could feel some joy about this. I suppose the very act of sending it demonstrates at least hope. I did work on this. This was not slapped together in five minutes. I worked on it. Submitted it for critique. Then used those recommendations to polish it to what it is now. Part of me does believe or I would not have undertaken the effort. It's my emotions. They've run out of courage. In that regard, I'm empty. I have no armor to protect myself from the feelings which accompany rejection.

No matter. The query is ready. It leaves today. I must take my wounds like everyone else.

Pity. You know?

EDIT NOTE: The query is on its way.