What and Do I Believe

The last seven years have brought something home to me with tremendous force: I don't believe in very much.

My life is filled with doubts and skepticism. Some of it very rightly so.

When politicians speak from their pulpits I find myself searching for their motivation, and often find it has to do with some special interest, or self-promotion in order to be re-elected.

When social priests, religious and otherwise, get in front of television cameras, or radio microphones, and spout off their outrage over whatever, I find myself wondering what they're getting out of it. Most of the time it's just attention.

I do not believe our judicial system has been politicized. I don't believe that things work out for the best, nor that hard work results in any reward other than the satisfaction of having worked hard. The best team does not always win, and good does not always triumph over evil. Not in the short term.

I see crooks in Washington and on Wall-Street make off with millions while the innocent lose everything they've worked for.

I've seen good employees harassed and suck-ups get raises.

What should be cause and effect is not, because after the initial cause, others interfere and effect it before it can achieve its purpose.

To win, one must play the same game the same way as others have established.

I don't do that.

Some used to claim it was because I couldn't. That was not true. I recall at one company I worked I was not well thought of by management because of my outspoken cries against favoritism and company politics. Got into an argument with a co-worker who challenged me to "play the game". So I made a bet. We had just had our annual reviews, and I had received no raise. The next time around, I would get a good one. He laughed at me.

I played the game. Did and said everything one was supposed to say and do. Got promoted and received the highest raise given out that year. And hated myself for doing it. The next two years in a row I refused the raises which were offered. Then I quit the company.

I can do it. I know how to do it. I just can't bring myself to do it. Not and live with myself. In some ways it turns out I really don't care what people think of me. And it really isn't about the money after all. It's about the few things I still believe in.

When I look at those who seem to believe everything I sometimes envy them. They ask no questions. They see no misdealings. They just accept what they're told and go on with their lives, fitting in nicely to the places others have made for them. Those who ask questions always seem to have some frustration or other when they catch people in lies, and find that things don't work as promised.

That's me. I question it all. Having lived my life among so many who use others for their own advantages, the first question I ask when I see anyone do anything is - why are they doing that? Why are they cruel? Why are they nice? Why take that? Why give it? How can they like that? How can they hate it?

I suppose it comes from my firm believe that everybody is capable of everything. Good. And bad. All it takes is for the right sequence of events to occur. This means that, technically, I am my own worst enemy, and I am as horrible as anyone I can think of - given the right sequence of events. A lot of people get angry when I tell them that. But it's one of the few things which I truly believe.

Here's something else I believe:

It doesn't have to be that way.