When Can I Write

Today's Music is Sukiyaki, by Kyu Sakamoto. I first heard the song as a seven-year-old. It touched my heart even then. As a seven-year-old I did not understand about love relationships, but I knew rejection and loneliness, and that is what the song speaks to me. There's an English translation done by someone, but I think it s*cks. I'll take Kyu over anyone else. His voice cries, and my hearts sops up the moisture and wrings it into my belly.

When I used to have a harp I dreamed of playing this song. Actually, even without the harp I imagine myself playing it. Wish I had the harp now.

I wonder why it is that - when I wish to write something meaningful/important - I go to the sad songs. There are plenty of happy songs I like. Some are quite comedic. But they do not inspire writing. They make me laugh. I feel good. But I won't write. To write, I draw upon the songs of loneliness, emptiness, and heartache. Even when writing something happy. Some of the things I'm most happy for having written have tearstains on the paper - when I used notebooks.

I look at my keyboard now and see the blops of moisture stains on the keys. Sweat from my fingers, or tears from my eyes? I guess it's some of both. And I guess that's why I can go so long at times without writing anything worthwhile. To touch those feelings, while needful, and releasing, is not fun. But it seems they are somehow intertwined with my greatest creativity.

How odd. To write beauty and light I must first feel darkness and despair. It doesn't make sense. But that's the way it is.

It makes me wonder about others who write. When I read something especially moving I wonder if the author is like me, having to reach into a hurtful place to find the combination of words to express the mood. Assuming they do, I often will cry for them. That's why I usually try to read good books in private. It's kind of embarrassing to be seen crying while reading. Don't know why. I guess because I've never seen anyone else in my family cry over a book.

I'm going to save this post for another day. I just checked and saw I already have 99 posts. FairyHedgeHog had suggested I do a photo shoot for my 100th post. I like the idea. I'll do that first, and then begin the next 100 with this.

NOTE: This post was actually generated on Saturday, February 7th, and does not (necessarily) reflect my mood at the moment.