From the Ashes Shall Rise a Phoenix

Okay. Here is the current inspiration. Let's hope it has merit, Ducky.

I have copied the entire critique to an Excel file where I can better organize the complaints against the query. Aside from the fact that the query wasn't really a query (as EE pointed out), and that it was too long (several pointed this out), it left important questions unanswered while answering questions which were not important at all. So, apart from the fact that I can't sell, what went wrong at the detail level?

My current thought is that I tried to talk about three things at once. This violates all good thinking when taking any picture, and I have been told a query is like a snapshot of the story, intended to spark interest. I have told Barlyn more than once that her pictures don't turn out because she is trying to photograph both the forground and background at the same time. If the background is important, forget about what's up front. Get it out of the way so the background can be seen. If the forground is important, frame it tightly so it fills the picture. Would that not work for a query, too? Not that I'm some expert on photography, but that's what I was told when I worked for the newspaper: my pictures sucked because I didn't seem to know what I was taking a picture of. That's why my query sucked. Well, one reason why. I didn't know what I was trying to say.

On the one hand, Flames of Hatred is about treason and political maneuvering. On another, it is about what is happening to Khirsha. Finally, there is the story of Swords of Fire itself, of which Flames of Hatred represents merely a chapter.

I had no business trying to sell anyone on all three at the same time. I'm not a salesperson, but I expect good sales people do not try to sell everything to a customer. Not at the same time. They pick their product and emphasize it, leaving other wonderful products unmentioned until their time. Flames of Hatred is not about the battle for the Great Sea, although that is taking place within its pages. Neither is it about Khirsha, and the Power which has come upon him and certain individuals who get too close. Flames of Hatred is about treason and political maneuvering.

BuffySquirrel (I love these pseudonyms) gave me a good list:
What's at stake
Why is someone committing treason
What happens if it doesn't stop
What does Khirsha (Priapus) have to do with it
(I had to look up Priapus in Wikipedia. I had a feeling it was a joke. It was. You may already know about him. I'm not that well read. Anyway, I need to keep another window open just to look up references the EE minions make which fly right past me.)
Priapus was a character from Greek mythology. He was a "fertility god, protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia.
I'm not so certain Khirsha would appreciate the comparison. Well, maybe he would.)

Evil Editor had a similar list:
Who is committing treason
Why was it ignored
Why is Khirsha important to the Powers

Writtenwyrdd's comments supports my comprehension that I put too much in the query.
"Sounds like it can be a workable plot for an epic fantasy. But as others mention, you can't describe every detail in a query. ... I'm finding it difficult to wade through the details and determine what's the point of the book.)
Writtenwyrdd also added that the query is a like an elevator pitch - a single sentence describing story essentials. This makes me think of my snapshot analogy.

Robin S also provided a bullet list:
Take time off and then come back and rewrite (she was not the only one to suggest this)
Give less plot
Provoke an interest in the book
Try to do it in ten sentences or less

The consensus of thought is overwhelming. What is so humiliating is not the criticism. Hell, I've been criticized all my life - often by very wonderful people. People I love very dearly don't even like me. No, the thing that demoralizes me so is that I'm suppposed to be intelligent. I have a high I.Q. I've read a lot (not like these people, though). I know how to figure things out. So why the F--- didn't I pick this up on my own? Well, I know now. That's something, at least.

So, I have two choices right now: rewrite the query - as a query - and submit it again; forget the query (what the hell good does it do to write a query which will be rejected because of story length) and concentrate on cutting apart the story itself in order to reduce its length. The danger I must avoid in chopping pieces off the story is that I do not leave it like some plastic reproduction of the Venus de Milo. It really is a shame the arms were lost. And I think she should have done something different with her hair. Now, where did I put that chisel?